Dalahus

The Top 10 Pompous Arena Rock Songs

November 29, 2007

lighter The criteria: 1) The song must be over four minutes long. Anything shorter is just a pop song. Pompous Arena Rock Songs require length for that epic quality, man. 2) The song must have been played in an actual arena by the original band. This is how we can disqualify songs like Hey Jude and All Along the Watchtower. 3) The song must generally follow the formula of a slow, preferably acoustic opening (lending to the artist’s cred as a virtuoso), leading to the the sudden machine-gunning on the distorted guitars. This is the ROCK OUT. 4) The artist must be absolutely sincere that the song is an Important Piece of Work. Any hint of irony disqualifies it (think Spiñal Tap).

But enough of my yakkin’— Let’s boogie!

10. Don’t Stop Believing, Journey
Journey sucks, no matter how hard so-called rock historians try to “re-assess” their works in a post-Sopranos world. This song brings its pomposity to the table right with the new-agey preaching title, and wraps it in a bow of Steve Perry wailing.

Lyric of Pomposity: Some will win, some will lose / Some were born to sing the blues

9. Dream On, Aerosmith
Opening with the literally self-reflective warble of Steven Tyler, Dream On dares the guy in the Loge to not start flailing his head when the screaming commences on the verse. This song was written in Aerosmith’s hard-core Hell’s Kitchen heroin days, but that doesn’t excuse its pretension.

Lyric of Pomposity: Half my life is in books written pages / Live and learn from fools and from sages

8. Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin
Yes, it makes every list. Hell, it’s probably on the list of “Top 10 Tourist Destinations in Belgium”, but the standard-bearer of arena rock pomposity cannot be denied. Framed by the medieval fret-harmonics of the opening and wistful “oh by the way, remember it started slow?” ending, Stairway throws down the gauntlet to all who dare challenge its throne.

Lyric of Pomposity: And a new day will dawn for those who stand long / And the forest will echo with laughter

7. Free Bird, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Skynyrd, the Rolling Stones to the Allman Brothers’ Beatles, suffered from a career-long inferiority complex next to their long-haired Southern Rock bretheren. It’s no wonder then, that they turned up the amps in compensation. Many a shoulder-sitting concert going woman raised her shirt to this song, but that doesn’t excuse 20 minutes of guitar mashing to about three lines of actual lyric. For all its nouns and verbs, the lyrics of Free Bird are shockingly free of actual content.

Lyric of Pomposity: Lord knows, I can’t change.

6. Hotel California, The Eagles
We may never learn if Henley meant “colitas” or “coitus”, but it hardly matters. With Hotel California, the Eagles graduated from the hemp-hoodie wearing troupe who sang Seven Bridges Road to the coke-infused Arena pomp-peddlers in the fast lane. The closing guitar duel is so ingrained in our heads, we go into convulsions waiting to hear the “whoop”.

Lyric of Pomposity: Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends / She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends

5. More than a Feeling, Boston
In 1978, you couldn’t take a dump without hearing the opening guitar riff of More than A Feeling. This signaled the dudes to do bad air guitar and the girls to sing it at each other. And yet for all its pomposity, MTAF is as cold and programmed as Tom Scholz’s Rockman. Boston fancied themselves the Stanley Kubricks of rock, releasing one meticulously-crafted album per decade, but the uniform, derivative blandness of their works makes them more like the Brian DePalma.

Lyric of Pomposity: When Im tired and thinking cold / I hide in my music, forget the day

4. Thunder Road, Bruuuce
With each passing year, as Springsteen morphs closer to his Woody Guthrie ideal, his earlier works stands out as all the more transparently phony. Was he really that Jersey kid of myth, hanging out on the hood of his Chevy, making out under the Asbury Park phosper glow? Not likely. Thunder Road‘s pomposity comes not so much from the ROCK OUT, but for having a lyrical density surpassing that of a white dwarf star.

Lyric of Pomposity: All the redemption I can offer, girl is beneath this dirty hood

3. November Rain, Guns n’ Roses
Guns n’ Roses had it all: fame, fortune, hot and cold running groupies. That all came crashing to the ground with the release of November Rain, perhaps the most pompous of arena rock songs released in the 1990s. When Axl Rose first took seat behind that piano, the Whiskey wept.

2. Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
Rocking out at the end doesn’t make up for the byzantine lyrics and operatic harmonizing, guys.

Lyric of Pomposity: Galileo / Galileo / Galileo / Galileo

1. Come Sail Away, Styx
It is rumored Come Sail Away was constructed in a lead-lined bunker deep within the bowels of NORAD as a Defense Department skunks-works project. It is mathematically impossible to turn on CSA without arriving in the middle of one of the endless opening piano stanzas, the net result being the listener is forced to brave their way through the entirety of this soppy mess just to get relief when the ROCK OUT finally appears.

Lyric of Pomposity: “I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise / They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies.”

James Betelle, Where Are You?

August 9, 2006

James O. BetelleLast year on this site I wrote a little essay about The Pinewood Derby. Since writing it, nagging thoughts persisted; what had happened to my school since I was last there, nearly 30 years ago? Is it as I remembered? Is my grafitti still on the bathroom wall?* My foray into answering these questions led me down a tangential route; the intruiging and mysterious story of the architect of this, and most all the schools in my hometown of Maplewood, New Jersey, James Oscar Betelle.

My research is voluminous (and, I like to think, interesting) enough that it merited its own website to track my detective work. And thus, I present James Betelle, Where Are You? If you have even a passing interest in architecture, civic history, the machinations of suburban school politics or perhaps Russian royalty (??), the site is worth a look.

*I will address this eventually…

Will Code for Diapers!

March 30, 2005

The link in the Navigation bar formerly known as Resume is now called Professional. This is the beginning of an expansion plan to include visual examples of my work, along with whatever else might be suitable for prospective clients. I’ve also added it to the main navigation in the masthead. It’s a work in progress, so check back occasionally.

A Disclaimer…

March 3, 2005

“Family photos do keep smiling faces. Births, weddings, holidays, childrens birthday parties–People take pictures of the happy moment in their lives. Someone looking through a photo album could conclude we had lead a joyous, leisurely existence. Free of tragedy. No one ever takes a picture of something they want to forget.”
Sy Parrish (Robin Williams), One Hour Photo (2002)

New Gallery!

February 23, 2005

Dalahus has a new photo gallery. For those who care about such things, I moved from Menalto Gallery to Coppermine. I’ve been a Menalto user for a number of years, but the code is old and bloated and the UI a bit clunky. For Dalah�s I wanted to try something faster and a bit more “user-friendly”.

The new gallery looks more-or-less the same as the old one, but has a number of features I think you’ll like. The best part is the Last Additions at the bottom of the main page, which shows the last six photos added. So for those of you who are always wondering if there are new photos added, this is a quick way to check. I arranged the photos in the albums in reverse chronological order, so that the latest shots are on the first page (if this is confusing I can change it back to normal order).

You can also add photos to a My Favorites page, and download them all in one shot, making it handy for printing. The e-card function (the little mail envelope above the photo) allows you to email a postcard-style version of the photo to someone.

As always, the random photo to the left will take you directly to that photo in the gallery. You can also add your lovely comments below the photos (unfortunately, the comments from the old gallery didn’t make the transition).

I hope you like the new photo gallery. If you have any questions or complaints, please leave a comment or email.

Site Weirdness

February 22, 2005

I’m doing a bunch of site and Photo Gallery changes/fixes right now, so if you see weirdness the Management apologizes. When this is all over I should have a better gallery up, with some fun features (mainly being able to see exactly what new images have been added, something a number of you have asked for).

I hope to have it all nice and clean later today. Or tomorrow…

Grey and Orange

February 16, 2005

Today marked the opening of Christo’s The Gates, Central Park, New York City, 1979-2005, an installation he had first conceived of in 1979.

gates gates
It was a cold, sunless day in the City, but that was perhaps the intent. The banners fluttered madly in the wind, yet were oddly silent.

gates gates
Despite the large crowds, it was very quiet. They looked like orange teeth poking up in the landscape.

More images may be see in the gallery

Reboot

Welcome to the fancy-pants new version of Dalahus.com. With this new format I’ll be in a better position to share random thoughts, the type that most people really don’t want to hear anyway. Technology!

And speaking of random thoughts, let me walk you through where everything is. On the sidebar to the left are a number of direct links. First up is my photo gallery, the same one you know and love. Next is AutomatorWorld, a site I launched this year in support of Mac OS X 10.4′s upcoming scripting environment (if you have to ask what this means, you won’t care anyway). Any others links should be self-explanatory.

Further down the sidebar you’ll see a random image from the gallery; reloading the page will bring up a new image. Clicking it will take you to the actual gallery page of that photo. Nifty, eh?

If you have any comments, questions, criticisms or cookie recipes, please feel free to share them.