VäporLETTERS

 

Dear VäporSYSTEMS,

I am writing to update you on the process of my porting of the Game Marathon, to VäporOS. (VäporTHON) I am proud to announce that the porting has gone very well. The entire game is done, except for the lack of network play. This has proven to be a very difficult task, given the fact that the VäporOS is just now supporting networking, and it is still rather buggy. I assure you the network play will be complete in a months time.

I would also like to express a few concerns. First of all, I have received several rather graphic letters from the folks over at Bungie regarding various copyright and licensing issues. Included in these letters are physical threats which are too graphic to mention in the context of this letter. (Something about gerbils and a cardboard tube...) I was wondering if I am entitled to any legal support from VäporSYSTEMS being that I am a developer.

Second of all, I am having troubles with my VäporBOX. Occasional, when it starts up, it goes through all of the advertisements, I am presented with a Broken Jar, and a few lines of Swedish below them. My question is this; Is this supposed to happen? If not, how do I avoid the situation?

Other then the problems I have mentioned, I am having a rather enjoyable experience with my VäporBOX. I look forward to seeing many more great innovations from you.

Satisfied Developer,
Phil Hilton
Cheesy@cybertours.com

Phil: Thanks for the update. Copyright and licensing laws concerning software are very tough to circumvent, as anyone at Microsoft can tell you. However, we here at VäporSYSTEMS™ are shrouded by peculiar European statutes that go back nearly a thousand years. So we say to Bungie; "bring on the Habitrails!"

As for your VäporBOX, try contacting Løn at the tech support line, he'll try to help you (assuming of course he's not trying to turn the phone into a network router again). -VS

 

 

Are you guys at VaporOS just a bunch of humorists or do you actually sell a valid, real product? The humor is nice, but I'm looking for real software and that software must run on BeOS!!!

Nothing else will do. If it's not BeOS... it's not a real OS! :-)

I look forward to your reply...
Jared (BeOS Enthusiast)

Jared: If you're looking to purchase actual BeOS software, you have certainly come to the right place.

 

 

Dear CäporOS [sic] team,

I would like to get a free VäporOS t-shirt, is that a possibility? I am a 16 year old high-schooler and I don't have any money to buy one, and since you are rich and famous developers I figured you might be able to spare one for me. I like to wear t-shirts more than collared shirts because I don't have to worry about the collar coming up in the back. If you ever make XäporOS [sic] collared shirts I am sure you could use your superior intellect to design a collar that won't come up in the back? If you could do that I know I as well as many others would greatly appreciate it. I have had to completey [sic] abandon wearing collared shirts because of the possibility of the back of the collar coming up and rubbing my neck. By the way, is that red thing on your products a horse? I thought it was one of those spanish things that you hit with a bat to get candy out of, but I wasn't sure.

-Bit

Don't tell anyone my e-mail address please, I am embarassed [sic] of having to use AOL.

Bit: We recommend you stick to collared shirts; they help promote proper typing skills.

 

 

Dear VäporOS,

I always thought the Apple was sour. I love your company icon. I always wanted a horsey but alas, my parents said no. Now, I can have my OS and horsey too. I am so excited! When do your T-shirts come out? I would kill for one (he, he just kidding). Please rush me my dali horse so I can torment my Apple. I think the Apple needs to be taught a lesson. Thanks.

Sincerely,
BBoy2@earthlink.net, a Dali addict.

P.S. When will your magazine come out? I have a great idea for the name of it. Dali Addict, just the thought has me jumping in my chair!

BBoy: While we appreciate your enthusiasm, we can't help but be relieved that the sanctity of our mascot is safe from your apparent confusion between it and a certain Spanish painter. -VS

VäporSystems:

When I got involved with Dala (correct spelling DARLA) horses, I think there is a spoken (N) in the utterance, was caused by getting a Swedish and Norwegian family in the nearby houses.Of course you have to realize that a Norwegian is really a Swede with his brains knocked out, and visa-versa. Seems they have some sort of Scandinavian comradeship going, while deeply hating each other. Being some sort of an English extraction, I have to take their word for these odd relationships. Anyhow your excellent propaganda has caught my attention, and I will warn ALL of my friends of such happenings.

May you never have your picture treated by the program "GOO", Bye

Richard Kemp

a261@amug.org

Dick: Thanks for the grammatical tips, but as you can see, we have very reliable sources for our spell-checking. And yes, we remain to this day "Goo-free", thanks to a 12-Step program. -VS

 

 

Dear VäporSystems:

I signed on as a VäporDeveloper three weeks ago. As promised, you sent me a free Dala Horse. However, you neglected to send me any developer material; where's the packet of cool secret information? Where are the cd's full of buggy alphas? I'm pretty cheesed about this. I've enclosed a picture of me showing you what I think of yer friggin' horse.

Angrily,

zb
Kenosha, Wisconsin

zb: We've been busy printing Väpor T-Shirts for the company softball team and with plans for Väporstok '97, so you'll forgive us we don't get around to any actual coding or developer services. By the way, you might want to take that Dala horse out of your mouth; the paint is created from the industrial waste of a nearby clog factory. - VS

Dear Swedes,
Tonight I saw a snippet on CNN's Headline News that the Ball-Mason Corporation was preparing a look and feel lawsuit against VäporSystems for certain "jar-like graphical representations" that they felt "misrepresented jar uses and the proper use and care of jars". A Ball-Mason spokesperson further detailed that they would be seeking a large settlement to aid in the formation of 'jar education centers' worldwide to correct the damage they felt had been done to them.

I was wondering if this will have any effect on the ship date of VäporOS?

Sincerely,

Chris Wallace
Creston, Ia.

Chris: We at VäporSystems have always maintained that no single person, corporation or governmental body has the right to control household containers. The freedom to express ones self through glassware is what makes this country great (Sweden, that is). Ball-Mason does of course have the right to sue the bejezus out of us, but that just gives us an excuse to push back our ship dates anyway. We hope this answers your question. -VS

Sirs:
Please find enclosed my resume. I am an astute, creative and hard-working computer programmer. I have spent the last ten years working with three of the top computer corporations, helping them to develop powerful system architectures. I would welcome the opportunity to lend you the benefits of my extensive experience.

Gern74328411@aol.com

Gern: While we appreciate your enthusiasm for working with VäporSystems, please understand that we can only hire people with certain "family" connections... -VS

Dear VäporSystems,
I don't know anything about OS programming and I'm a sleezebag but if you give me a job (or a huge amount of money), I'll give you the code for the M$-Bloatware environment. You'll be glad to learn that each and every command in this environment is sponsored by a major corporation. For instance, the "run" command is sponsored by Nike while the "step" command is sponsored by Reebok. As you can guess, the infamous "execute" command depends on a research grant from the U.S. Dept. of Defense. So, I'll be waiting for you to make me an offer. Oh, and for a limited time, if you buy me, you get my wife for free.

bigbill@hugeco.com

Thanks for the offer, but we prefer to steal all of our proprietary technology. -VS

Hello,
Before reading the rest of this message, you must agree to keep its contents strictly confidential. As you probably have heard, Apple is having a bit of a difficult time delivering a modern operating system and so we are forced to look for outside help. Attempts to acquire the BeOS have gone nowhere and so I am prepared to offer you $5.32 for your VäporOS. If you find these terms acceptable, let me know and I'll send a check as soon as we have four continuous profitable quarters.

Thank you for your consideration.

Dr. Gil Amelio
Chief Executive Officer
Apple Computer, Inc.

Gil, you'd better read today's VäporNews... -VS

 

Something on your mind? Let us know! Write us at: vaporos@macconnect.com

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